Advanced Medicine

Medical Association of Disembodied Brains
In order to become a great surgeon, one must dedicate his life to study and practice, leaving time for little else. Several great, noble minds have donated themselves to this pursuit, so you don't have to. The Medical Association of Disembodied Brains, or MADB (pronounced "mad bee"), are a collection of the greatest doctors and surgeons the galaxy has ever produced. Their central nervous systems are housed in jars on the planet Faer Fecheed in the Pegasus 31 star system. They can perform any operation, anywhere, anytime, through the operation of Remote Robotic Surgeons over Q-Net. They bring to bear the most advanced knowledge available throughout all known time-space, and are considered miracle workers by many. Their fees, however, are absolutely astronomical, and their services often are beyond the reach of entire planetary economies. Thus, they only directly work with very important, very wealthy people. At a lesser yet still outrageous cost, however, they provide a series of preprogrammed techniques that a Remote Robotic Surgeon can perform autonomously, with the assistance of "lesser" medical professionals.

Remote Robotic Surgeon
A Robotic Surgeon is a device that houses a variety of tools, scanners, and instruments for diagnosing and treating illness or performing surgery. They can be preprogrammed to perform a specific technique or operation, or they can be controlled remotely. A doctor can perform an appendectomy or other routine tasks with the push of a button. While advanced models are highly adaptable in cases of emergency, most of the time a highly trained medical professional must be nearby to assist it, if not take over in case something goes horribly wrong.

This became legally required when the Prime Minister of Toadalrekaal was undergoing a sextuple bypass of his secondary heart by a totally autonomous unit, as part of a demonstration of I-Robot DoctorNetics Division's new technology. His primary heart experienced an attack during the operation, and the machine decided to remove it. Unfortunately, there was only one spare part cloned for the secondary heart, and it was placed in the primary position. It was not strong enough to withstand yet another heart attack, the fifth of the operation so far and the ninteenth of the day. He died on the table. Witnesses claim that if the machine had been under sentient supervision, it wouldn't have removed the primary heart and the Prime Minister would still be alive today. Others claim there was no way the fat bastard was going to live to see lunchtime, anyway.

The Toadalrekaalian Parliament, notably upset, appealed to the Galactic Congress to enact laws requiring a medical professional to supervise all automated surgeries. This legislation passed easily. Hal Kubrik, CEO of I-Robot at the time, claimed that the bill went so quickly because the Galactic Congress are a "load of fat fucking bastards, themselves."

It is interesting to note that the Galactic Capitol had, at the time, recently been rebuilt and its foundation reinforced with heavy-duty earthquake shock absorbers, even though it is built on a geologically dead planet.

Cloning and Genetics
Cloning is the process of replicating tissues, organs, or even entire life forms from a small sample of genetic materials. Modern Clone-o-mats are capable of growing replacement organs in a matter of minutes or even seconds. Full body replacement procedures are growing less expensive and less time consuming. However, neural information transfers are still an infant technology and highly problematic. Brain transplants are still the preferred technique. With the right equipment, a skilled doctor can revive a being from the dead as long as the brain is still mostly intact.

More advanced Clone-o-mats have a gene-splicing function, whereby samples of genetic material from two distinct organisms can be combined in a controlled and selective manner. This is extensively used by many of the galaxy's armies and navies to enhance their soldiers. It is also widely used by the body-mod communities, transsexuals, and other-kin (those who feel they were born the wrong species) .

Fully cloned replacements are illegal, but the practice is widespread. Spy agencies use them to place their own brainwashed versions of dignitaries into positions of power. Autopolygamist compounds are a constant target of raids by the Galactic Bureau of Knowing Things. Some people are just so lonely, or have such a huge ego, that they can only accept themselves at their best friends and thus they have themselves illegally cloned.

The main issue with full cloning is neural information transfer, which more often than not leaves the subjected clones brain dead when their neurons reject the input knowledge. Science has not fully answered why this procedure is so delicate, however some theorists suggest that the new neurons refuse to accept the stupid ideas of the old. Testing this has been inconclusive, probably because a neural transfer is a stupid idea in the first place.

Nanobots and Nanotech
Nanotechnology has been called the greatest advancement in science and technology in the history of lifekind. It has also been called the greatest disaster ever achieved by hubris.

Nanobots are microscopic robots which can be used for a variety of tasks. Most are autonomous, but some, especially older versions, must be operated via remote control. Their main use is in medicine, although they are also used in industry. Their expense has limited their use in the private sector, but some household applications have been designed, such as cleaning and maintenance.

Nanobots can be used to target cancers, viruses, bacterias, hemorrhages, and a whole host of medical situations. They can be injected, swallowed, or inhaled, depending on their function. Once in the host body, they will seek out their target and work to repair it. When their task is complete, they power down and are excreted by the body. Some versions can be recovered for re-use.

Some nanobots are designed to persist in the system and perform regular maintenance, enhance bodily functions, or even assist the body in repairing its self. These sorts of bots are incredibly expensive, however, and are most often used by soldiers and porn stars.

Nanobots can have military applications as well, not only in enhancing soldiers but in disabling or even killing enemies. Airborne nanobots can infect an enemy soldier and target specific organs or muscles to disable them, or simply liquify them from the inside out. These highly lethal and painfully slow attacks are banned by Civil Warfare Convention, but are still often used by ruthless warlords and space pirates.

High intensity electromagnetic pulses can effectively stop older, electronics reliant nanobots, however, modern and advanced nanobots are biologically programmed. The only sure way to destroy the invaders is to send in other nanobots, usually referred to as "antiboties." Entire wars have been fought in the bowels of dignitaries.

There are certain forms of nanobots which do not enter living tissues at all. They can be used to repair electronics or mechanics, or are even part of such structures themselves. Fluid-wing aircraft use nanobots attached to their hulls as wings, which can reconfigure themselves to provide stable flight in any situation. Some robotics are made entirely out of these nanobot colonies, making them highly reconfigurable and suitable for any purpose. These nanobot colonies are often referred to as liquid metal robotics or Quicksilvers, since they look like a living pool of mercury.

The catastrophe most detractors of nanotechnology refer to is, of course, the Grey Goo. In 3613 the planet Eisse 9 was entirely consumed by self-replicating nanobots. These bots were designed to be a self-healing liquid metal. They break apart atomic structures and reconfigure atoms and molecules into new nanobots. The process was supposed to stop once the predetermined limit was reached, but the control structure failed and the entire planet was consumed in a matter of minutes. The entire star system is now under quarantine. Efforts to destroy them have failed, and the only option is to wait several million years until their sun enters its red-giant phase and destroys them. Some have suggested destroying the planet before the Eissians create the disaster, but that act has been held up indefinitely by lobbyists for the Coalition for the Unaltered Normalcy of Time.

Nanobots cannot be purchased through Q-Net replication units, as replicators do not have the resolution to create and assemble the tiny parts. Nanobots must be purchased through an authorized dealer. An objective list of dealers can be found at the Galactic Commerce Regulations portal, but why not shop at Krazy Kahoona's Big Shop o' Nano Bots! on the third moon of Rigel 3? We've got the best deals on any kind of nanotech you need! Open five years after the solar event that wiped out Rigel 2.

Editor's note: I would like to apologize for the unobjective interjection made by representatives of Mr. Kahoona, however he really does have the best deals in history. His store exists in 3179 through 3192. If you ever exist in that era, pay him a visit.

1 comment:

Doc said...

Very, Very Funny!

I might be interested in visiting "Faer Fecheed" sometime.