A Brief History of Earth, Part 1

by humanfan23

Earth is one of the most important and influential planets in all the galaxy. Humans were the first species to break the light barrier and unify the galaxy. Their tenacious drive, indominable spirit, and ruthless assholery has made them the most successful and prolific race in the known universe.

Earth was formed about 10.5 billion years after the Big Bang in the Sol System. Its first sentient species, the Octopodians, remained dormant at the very bottom of the oceans for much of the Earth's history. A race of introverted philosophers, their choice to sit at the bottom of the Earth's seas and reflect upon themselves and existence didn't get them very far up the evolutionary ladder, and no one was even aware of them (except the occasional hungry sperm whale) until mankind began colonizing the sea floor late in the 23rd century. There had of course been wild stories about sunken cities and ancient wisdom, but no one seriously believed a word of it.

The Earth's second sentient species, the Dinosaurs, left Earth in a big hurry when the largest of their nuclear reactors underwent a catastrophic meltdown. The resulting blast was on the scale of a large meteor impact and left the entire planet devastated for thousands of years, nearly wiping clean all traces of their civilization. In time, mammalian life got a foothold, and what was left of the Dinosaurs evolved into feathered birds. No one knows exactly what happened to the Dinosaurs after they left Earth. Many doubt they could've gotten very far. What little we know about their civilization suggests they were far too stupid to have achieved faster-than-light travel. They are either endlessly floating frozen through space or dead.

Earth's third sentient species, the Dolphins, are such gregarious sexaholics they never got around to inventing an inclined plane let alone an interstellar vessel. Their communications skills are some of the most advanced in the galaxy, however, and were a great force in helping humans become a dominant force in the galaxy once the communications barrier was breeched.

Humans were the fourth sentient species to evolve on Earth. Their perfect balance of intelligence and mobility allowed them to evolve intellectually faster than any other species in the galaxy. They are primate descendants, have only two legs, two arms, two eyes, and one set of genitalia apiece, generally speaking.

Humans overcame their evolutionary cousins, the Neanderthals, by the traditional means, out fighting and out fucking them. Within ten thousand years they already had invented agriculture, masonry, beer, and all the other fundamentals of civilization. Only a couple of thousand years after that, they were working with metals, navigating oceans, conquering large swaths of land, and even working with gunpowder.

Unlike most civilizations, the invention of explosives did not mean their immediate doom. Although there were some extremely bloody wars during this period of Earth's history, overall they were relatively short and decisive. Humans have an innate moral quality in that their desire to not get blown up eventually wins over their desire to blow things up.

Human history is short but intense. Unlike your average planet, where two species might war with each other for thousands of years with no clear victor and result in the utter destruction of cultures, or a single species lives together in harmony for eons without significant achievement, Earth's pattern of a single species warring with its self produces a much more limited, fruitful conflict. Wars last just long enough to make advances in technology but not wholly devastate entire populations.

The best example of this is the Earth's 18th through 22nd centuries. Throughout this period, Earth underwent its most bloody and devastating wars (most lasting less than a decade) and made the fastest technological advancements of any species ever known; from men on horseback with lances and fireworks to interstellar space travel and galactic conquest within 400 years.

The most influential war on Earth, perhaps in the galaxy, was the Second World War. In this conflict, a country from the European continent called Germany rose from the ashes of the previous World War to begin conquering the continent, taking back lands they had lost, and killing those whom they thought had wronged them. The Germans took advantage of technology and tactics learned from the previous conflict, accelerated the production process, and refined their devices to be the fastest, strongest, and most powerful war machines on Earth.

To counter this, the people of the American continent used their own massive production capacity and resources, combined with the tactics and experience of the people of the British island to create an army just as swift and powerful. They, alone would not have been able to conquer the Germans. However, the German Chancellor, Adolf Hitler, while a charismatic leader, was a hideously bad tactician. His decision to bring another superpower, Russia, into the fight was the downfall of the National Socialist Empire. Russia proved to be an equally capable producer of mass destruction, and their retaliation for the attempted German invasion was swift and decisive. Germany was quickly surrounded and crushed by both sides.

The Americans still had to deal with Germany's allies across the globe in Japan. The technical advances in radar and aviation allowed Americans to get close enough to their main land to deploy yet another advanced weapon, the Atomic Bomb. Built upon the recently discovered concepts of the relativity of energy and matter and using captured German scientists, the Atomic bomb proved to be a devastating weapon, the use of which promptly ended the conflict.

However, the Americans and their allies now faced the Russian government, who also discovered the secrets of nuclear warfare. Usually, the discovery of nuclear fission means the demise of that species. Not so, in human history. The nuclear war remained cold, with only the threat of mutually assured destruction keeping each side at bay. This proved to be very fruitful, indeed, as the tension and threat of utter devastation lead to major advancements in aerospace technology, taking mankind into outer space for the first time in the 1960's.

There were some minor heated conflicts over the positioning of weapons, political ideologies, natural resources, and personal vendettas during this time, but full scale nuclear conflict never occurred. Eventually, the Soviet Union collapsed under the economic strain and left the United States as the sole superpower on Earth.

Technical evolution did not stagnate, however, as the global conflict had left wakes of instability across the planet. Most notably, the Middle East. A major oil resource, both sides had tried to gain allies and territory in the region. When the Cold War ended, pressure from the Soviet Union collapsed. The people there turned their attention fully on the United States. Although hopelessly outgunned, their persistent hit-and-run strikes (or more often, hit-and-die) combined with American political unrest gave the Middle Eastern rebels enough power to hold their ground.

To be continued.


Doc said...

With Humanfan23 around what could you possibly need Doc for? Humanfan23 covers the grand sum total of man's existance on earth in a few paragraphes and it would have taken me weeks and three hundred pages to scratch the surface.

I say our next adventure should be to track down Humanfan23 and have him help us cure history's ills. He has a better finger on the pulse of history than I do.


ERR said...

humanfan23 is a fat loaf in his parents basement on alpha centuari. he's too busy playing video games and beating off to human porn (considered sexually deviant since he's not human) to help anyone do anything.

Doc said...

P.S.- I'm looking forward to meeting a gregarious sexaholic dolphin at some point, as well as an introverted Octopodian philosopher. They could give me pointers on how to be a better person AND pick up chicks.

Finding a floating ship with frozen dinosaurs might be a fun adventure. Also I hate Nazis and would be more than happy to slay many of them.

My favorite Oppenheimer quote: "Now I am Death, Destroyer of Worlds."

Can't wait for the next installment. It is like one of the Saturday afternoon serials that the movies used to show.


Doc said...

He beats off to human porn? Well, we have something in common then.